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Am desperated for a drink today and I went to Bistro 32 with Ken and Irene, 2 of my best friends. I do know that they care about me, but I just don't feel like talking today. I just kept quiet for the whole drinking session and smoked and drink. And Ken and Irene are trying their very best to cheer me up, I do appreciated it but am sorry, because I really don't feel like talking. Then I went straight to the ladies and locked myself inside the toilet, and I sat down on the floor and cried..... I cried and cried and my head are spinning. Well, am definately not drunk but just not in the mood... I felt so sorry to Ken and Irene who keep me company for the night.
I've been thinking alot while I sat on the toilet's floor. Thinking about what I've been doing. Thinking about what the hell is wrong with me... But I have to admit that I've lost control! Totally lost control... And this is so not me! Since when I became like that?!! I can't even believe that I am so down... so down......
I was thinking maybe is time for me to let go, so that I will not be suffering... I know I have no rights to ask or to do anything at all..... Therefore I did not ask because I know that you will not like it or maybe you will get piss with me... And I am nobody to you.
But I hate myself that I've fall for you.... I didn't even realized that. All this while Steph, Ken and Irene was telling me that I am dying soon... Because of you, and I told them that am not because I know what am I doing... But now that I have to ask myself the question "AM I?!!"
And I can't even answer my own questions! I really have no idea with what am I doing and what am I thinking.... I am so confused and so lost..... Are they anyone can tell me what am I doing and what should I do.
Just now when I was in Bistro 32 toilet, I was telling myself "ok gal, it's time to let go..." Because he don't own anyone and no body owns him, this is what he's been telling me.' So since I know about this then why am I still want to fall for this man???? WHY???? I always thought that I am very well controlled, always know what am doing, but actually am not! Am wrong, very wrong!!!
After a long sleeping night, now it's time for me to think properly, what should I do! Since I am no body to him, then I shouldn't be so concern about him, shouldn't be calling him, shouldn't be sms him. If he really wants to see me or need me to help, he will call me.
And I will not be going for tomorrow hiking. I just don't feel like going, want to take a good rest at home and do my own work.
IT IS TIME TO LET GO, CHEN TSE YEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
