To those who are married, .. Not married .. and soon to be married, I hope you will be touched with this story...
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what
had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a
life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of
our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully..
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she
was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so
thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer
and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her
hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked
intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not
want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have
a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each
other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot
give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up..
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Just hold me...
Not many have ever known
and if I tell - who would believe?
There's nothing I can call my own
not even the things I have achieved.
It's always better that way
All that is aching inside
It's better for it to stay -
covered up with hurts pride.
All in good time
I will open the gate
of this little heart of mine
in a moment of fate.
For a soul that's been torn and
a heart controlled by other
there's not much you can do
But to hold me in your arms -
My dearest Mother.
and if I tell - who would believe?
There's nothing I can call my own
not even the things I have achieved.
It's always better that way
All that is aching inside
It's better for it to stay -
covered up with hurts pride.
All in good time
I will open the gate
of this little heart of mine
in a moment of fate.
For a soul that's been torn and
a heart controlled by other
there's not much you can do
But to hold me in your arms -
My dearest Mother.
Endure
If I can endure for this moment,
whatever is happening to me.
No matter how heavy my heart,
or how dark the moment may be.
If I can but keep on believing,
what I known in my heart to be true.
Then darkness will fade into morning,
and with this dawn a new day, too.
Standing Alone
I can see the flower upon which my life grows, blooming into a rose.
See the hope and courage in the strength of the petals.
As long as I am, I will be.
The flower will never wilt or die.
As my life grows back, I shall become strong.
I shall become only dependent on one.
That one will be me.
I will rise with my petals high.
My life as a flower will bloom and prosper as i grow.
I may not the pick of the patch, but I am just as beautiful as the rest.
I will stand as one, but not a lonely soul.
The tears will be far from my smile.
See the hope and courage in the strength of the petals.
As long as I am, I will be.
The flower will never wilt or die.
As my life grows back, I shall become strong.
I shall become only dependent on one.
That one will be me.
I will rise with my petals high.
My life as a flower will bloom and prosper as i grow.
I may not the pick of the patch, but I am just as beautiful as the rest.
I will stand as one, but not a lonely soul.
The tears will be far from my smile.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Apologies
A brand new year,
A brand new start,
Is what make things right,
I assumed;
Plenty of scars - both physical and emotional
Still attached to myself
And refused to leave me in solitude
As much as I tried;
Foolishly I believed this existence is all but doomed,
I have been trying to change all that happened
Mistakes I have made plenty
And I was trying to apologise for all that happened;
I was trying to seek forgiveness from everyone else,
For things that I did not even do,
I was being naive, I was being misled,
Into believing I am the problem;
As the new year dawned, a new thinking arose within me,
Why should I change for others?
Why should I be what others want me to be?
Instead of seeking forgiveness from others, I decided to seek in within;
Apologies for letting my dreams down,
Apologies for letting myself down infront of the world,
Apologies for not accepting what I really am,
And finally, apologies for the subtle messages that was sent from within;
A brand new confidence sprang forth within me,
A belief that I am the supreme being,
Irrespective of what the world says,
I am what I am and try as much,
I cannot pleased anyone and I need not change for anyone.
Me, Myself and I
Coming out of the shadows
of the past and reaching
to the light that is now
shining in its glory
I realized I am standing all alone,
with the whole world at my disposal;
I searched, I needed somebody
to continue the explorations,
or so I thought; how
naive and so dumb one can become;
Wasting previous time
doing nothing other
than wondering through life
I became more confused than before;
I sat down to take stock
and I realized I got me, myself and I;
Learned alot along the way,
and now my very own best friend
exploring uncharted territories
me myself and I
that's all I got in the end
that's what I found out
me, myself amd I.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Make My Wish Come True
searching for answers that evaded me for so long,
i got lost in a maze treachery hidden under a mask innocence;
it's been so long words kept me awake all night long,
making me restless and confused;
drowning in the wishes of a long lost past,
i let my life down, i let myself down;
in the midst of the night under the velvet skies
i surrendered to life, i whisper for forgiveness;
so with a smile on my lips and a wish on my heart
i give faith(hope) one more reason
i give life another chance to make my wish come true;
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
i got lost in a maze treachery hidden under a mask innocence;
it's been so long words kept me awake all night long,
making me restless and confused;
drowning in the wishes of a long lost past,
i let my life down, i let myself down;
in the midst of the night under the velvet skies
i surrendered to life, i whisper for forgiveness;
so with a smile on my lips and a wish on my heart
i give faith(hope) one more reason
i give life another chance to make my wish come true;
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
Of Life and Love...
Once upon a time there was a human being, and later there were billions of men and women. Once upon a time there was life and there were sources of love. Once upon a day there was the earth and millions of stars. Once upon a night, there was a dream, the shared dream of two people embarked on this unbelievable journey to become one. Once upon a day, there was the love of a life. Once upon a life, there was the love of a lifetime.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Eyes
It's a change in the look in our eyes that can bring a new meaning to old truths. It's my eyes that shut me out or open me up to the world. It's the look in my eyes that hurts me or enchances me. It's the look in my eyes that makes me lose you or allows me to meet and discover you. It's through me eyes that I become deaf or that I start listening to you. It's through my eyes that I meet hated or loved. It's only through my eyes that I can see the reality of my failures or my successes. It's through my eyes that I can disqualify a relationship or bring it deep inside my soul. It's through my eyes that I open my arms to receive you, when your eyes allow me or invited me to do so.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thoughts about freedom.
A few late-night thoughts about freedom for those of you to whom it makes any sense..... We must create within oursleves an immense sense of freedom to attain a space full of posibilities. Most importantly, the freedom to exist and to be independent of the desires of others. We need a lot of freedom when two pleasures meet, welcome each other and grow into the eternity of a bubble, escaped from the past and surviving without contingencies in the future. It is a difficult freedom, acquired based on our own choices to define who we really are. A moving freedom, almost fluid, to live without constraints, to dare receive and welcome the unknown while passionately awaiting an intense future. This freedom is an energy that carries you, it does not take you away, merely it brings you to a source of miracles.
Where is Forrest Gump???
You can see the stars in an Alabama,
a place we could trust our neighbours.
But we can't hide the fear in a Mother's eye
when she hears the rattling sabres.
But someone must rise and stand up to hell.
It's not easy to hold on to freedom.
Someone must stand where his brother fell.
It's tough but it just must be done.
How can we forget the young Forrest Gump,
how he carried his friends from the fire?
If Uncle Sam said, "we want you to jump",
he jumped and he jumped even higher.
We can't paint a smile on his broken heart
or joy in this young soldiers eye.
But he stood for the place where the rainbow starts ,
and the eagle is king of the sky.
What is it that makes these brave youngsters rise
and fight when they don't understand.
What is it that puts the truth in their eyes?
What is it that steadies the hand?
How can we forget the young Forrest Gump,
how he carried his friends from the fire?
If Uncle Sam said, "we want you to jump",
he jumped and he jumped even higher.
One day I dreamt there was no Forrest Gump.
There was no one to carry the colours.
No one to send off to the front,
to stand for our sisters and brothers
a place we could trust our neighbours.
But we can't hide the fear in a Mother's eye
when she hears the rattling sabres.
But someone must rise and stand up to hell.
It's not easy to hold on to freedom.
Someone must stand where his brother fell.
It's tough but it just must be done.
How can we forget the young Forrest Gump,
how he carried his friends from the fire?
If Uncle Sam said, "we want you to jump",
he jumped and he jumped even higher.
We can't paint a smile on his broken heart
or joy in this young soldiers eye.
But he stood for the place where the rainbow starts ,
and the eagle is king of the sky.
What is it that makes these brave youngsters rise
and fight when they don't understand.
What is it that puts the truth in their eyes?
What is it that steadies the hand?
How can we forget the young Forrest Gump,
how he carried his friends from the fire?
If Uncle Sam said, "we want you to jump",
he jumped and he jumped even higher.
One day I dreamt there was no Forrest Gump.
There was no one to carry the colours.
No one to send off to the front,
to stand for our sisters and brothers
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Happy?!!!
Happiness is like a nightlight in each of us, a nightlight that bring us comfort and faith with all the patience we request. Happiness is like a small flame inside our heart that won't go away, but that is good to revive once in a while. It's a flame we need to protect from the winds, from the storms, from sad moments or from the rains of despair. A small flame that we are responsible for, to protect it from ill-will, from negative thoughts, from the poison of resentment, from the restlessness of out habits.
Happiness is our greatest desire, yet it always is our greatest fear because happiness is in abandonment, the abandonment of oneself to someone else.
Where is your happiness?!!
Happiness is our greatest desire, yet it always is our greatest fear because happiness is in abandonment, the abandonment of oneself to someone else.
Where is your happiness?!!
On life and water
There is an old saying in Taoism that says "Rocks are hard and unyielding, the river flows around them and forgets".
In each of our lives, there are rocks. Like the water from the river, we encounter them not because we want to, but because it's nature. We splash violently against them, they break us, they change the course of our flow. But like the river, we find the path of least resistance and keep flowing downstream by going around them. Like the river, we find an "out" and what was a break in our flow only becomes a new direction for our life. Where the rock held us hostage for a while, we manage to free ourselves and move on.
Become the river.
In each of our lives, there are rocks. Like the water from the river, we encounter them not because we want to, but because it's nature. We splash violently against them, they break us, they change the course of our flow. But like the river, we find the path of least resistance and keep flowing downstream by going around them. Like the river, we find an "out" and what was a break in our flow only becomes a new direction for our life. Where the rock held us hostage for a while, we manage to free ourselves and move on.
Become the river.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Should I let go?
Well, actually am kind of confuse!!! I mean really confuse with what am doing now. Do I call myself stupid? Am already know the rules and regulations of the games and I've been well controlled for all these while, but why now am lost and confuse?!! WHY?!!!
Am desperated for a drink today and I went to Bistro 32 with Ken and Irene, 2 of my best friends. I do know that they care about me, but I just don't feel like talking today. I just kept quiet for the whole drinking session and smoked and drink. And Ken and Irene are trying their very best to cheer me up, I do appreciated it but am sorry, because I really don't feel like talking. Then I went straight to the ladies and locked myself inside the toilet, and I sat down on the floor and cried..... I cried and cried and my head are spinning. Well, am definately not drunk but just not in the mood... I felt so sorry to Ken and Irene who keep me company for the night.
I've been thinking alot while I sat on the toilet's floor. Thinking about what I've been doing. Thinking about what the hell is wrong with me... But I have to admit that I've lost control! Totally lost control... And this is so not me! Since when I became like that?!! I can't even believe that I am so down... so down......
I was thinking maybe is time for me to let go, so that I will not be suffering... I know I have no rights to ask or to do anything at all..... Therefore I did not ask because I know that you will not like it or maybe you will get piss with me... And I am nobody to you.
But I hate myself that I've fall for you.... I didn't even realized that. All this while Steph, Ken and Irene was telling me that I am dying soon... Because of you, and I told them that am not because I know what am I doing... But now that I have to ask myself the question "AM I?!!"
And I can't even answer my own questions! I really have no idea with what am I doing and what am I thinking.... I am so confused and so lost..... Are they anyone can tell me what am I doing and what should I do.
Just now when I was in Bistro 32 toilet, I was telling myself "ok gal, it's time to let go..." Because he don't own anyone and no body owns him, this is what he's been telling me.' So since I know about this then why am I still want to fall for this man???? WHY???? I always thought that I am very well controlled, always know what am doing, but actually am not! Am wrong, very wrong!!!
After a long sleeping night, now it's time for me to think properly, what should I do! Since I am no body to him, then I shouldn't be so concern about him, shouldn't be calling him, shouldn't be sms him. If he really wants to see me or need me to help, he will call me.
And I will not be going for tomorrow hiking. I just don't feel like going, want to take a good rest at home and do my own work.
IT IS TIME TO LET GO, CHEN TSE YEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am desperated for a drink today and I went to Bistro 32 with Ken and Irene, 2 of my best friends. I do know that they care about me, but I just don't feel like talking today. I just kept quiet for the whole drinking session and smoked and drink. And Ken and Irene are trying their very best to cheer me up, I do appreciated it but am sorry, because I really don't feel like talking. Then I went straight to the ladies and locked myself inside the toilet, and I sat down on the floor and cried..... I cried and cried and my head are spinning. Well, am definately not drunk but just not in the mood... I felt so sorry to Ken and Irene who keep me company for the night.
I've been thinking alot while I sat on the toilet's floor. Thinking about what I've been doing. Thinking about what the hell is wrong with me... But I have to admit that I've lost control! Totally lost control... And this is so not me! Since when I became like that?!! I can't even believe that I am so down... so down......
I was thinking maybe is time for me to let go, so that I will not be suffering... I know I have no rights to ask or to do anything at all..... Therefore I did not ask because I know that you will not like it or maybe you will get piss with me... And I am nobody to you.
But I hate myself that I've fall for you.... I didn't even realized that. All this while Steph, Ken and Irene was telling me that I am dying soon... Because of you, and I told them that am not because I know what am I doing... But now that I have to ask myself the question "AM I?!!"
And I can't even answer my own questions! I really have no idea with what am I doing and what am I thinking.... I am so confused and so lost..... Are they anyone can tell me what am I doing and what should I do.
Just now when I was in Bistro 32 toilet, I was telling myself "ok gal, it's time to let go..." Because he don't own anyone and no body owns him, this is what he's been telling me.' So since I know about this then why am I still want to fall for this man???? WHY???? I always thought that I am very well controlled, always know what am doing, but actually am not! Am wrong, very wrong!!!
After a long sleeping night, now it's time for me to think properly, what should I do! Since I am no body to him, then I shouldn't be so concern about him, shouldn't be calling him, shouldn't be sms him. If he really wants to see me or need me to help, he will call me.
And I will not be going for tomorrow hiking. I just don't feel like going, want to take a good rest at home and do my own work.
IT IS TIME TO LET GO, CHEN TSE YEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Off-line thoughts about on-line interactions
Just a few thoughts about interacting with others on internet:
1. Understand what your place is: there are MILLIONS and MILLIONS of people on internet.... You are one amongst those millions. There are crazy, they are sex deprived men and women looking for God-knows-what, there are entertainers, there are bored people with nothing better to do, there are people looking for better life perhaps, there are people preying on others for whatever reasons, etc, etc. Who are YOU?!! Do you know?
2. Talk with one another without expectation: You may never meet the person in the other computer, you may never discover who they truely are. If you have no expectation, you will never have a reason for regret, never have a reason for disappointment.
3. Be nice without reason: What do you have to lose??? Nothing!!! But perhaps at least there is someone out-there, perhaps around the corner from where you live or on the other side of this world who can benefit from some warmth in their haert/soul for a few moments without you ever knowing it.
4. People are people: No matter where they are, how young, how old, how slim, how fat, what race, what religion, what relationship status, people are just like YOU. Treat them online with the respect you wish people to treat you with in real life... they will notice it....it's becoming quite a rarity.
5. Care without condition: Don't lay conditions when talking to others, otherwise don't talk to them at all. You are not in here for business...at least I would hope not!!! But, always be careful, you may know who you are but you never know who is behind the other screen.
6. Don't make an obsession: REAL life will always remain outside your door no matter how much you enjoy your friends online. Whilst real life may not be easy everyday, spending more self-energy on improving one's life is much more fruitful in the end than trying to hide in an online fantasy.
7. Be happy: At every turn, something happen and we discovered a new landscape on the harizon. We take a photo, we write something so we will never forget.
Something about TRUST!
No matter friendship or relationship, we all agree trust always comes first. Whilst trust is the key and we all set it as our top priority, we seldom realize that this most important component is also the most fragile.
All it takes is one time of breaking that trust, one lie, one affair, one misplaced quote for this trust to be gone forever. Crossing cultural barriers is difficult, friends, take your time to understand each other because the trust you have is earned, not given.
All it takes is one time of breaking that trust, one lie, one affair, one misplaced quote for this trust to be gone forever. Crossing cultural barriers is difficult, friends, take your time to understand each other because the trust you have is earned, not given.
....
Oh not because happiness exists,
that too-hasty profit snatched from approaching loss.
But because truly being here is so much; because everything here apparently needs us, this fleeting world, which in some strange way keeps calling to us. Us, the most fleeting of all.
...Ah, but what can we take along into that other realm?
Not the art of looking, which is learned so slowly, and nothing that happened here. Nothing.
The sufferings, then. And, above all, the heaviness, and the long experience of love, - just what is wholly unsayable.
that too-hasty profit snatched from approaching loss.
But because truly being here is so much; because everything here apparently needs us, this fleeting world, which in some strange way keeps calling to us. Us, the most fleeting of all.
...Ah, but what can we take along into that other realm?
Not the art of looking, which is learned so slowly, and nothing that happened here. Nothing.
The sufferings, then. And, above all, the heaviness, and the long experience of love, - just what is wholly unsayable.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Love After Love
The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.
Sit. Feast on your life.
You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give Bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photograghs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror.
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