Just hold me...

Not many have ever known
and if I tell - who would believe?
There's nothing I can call my own
not even the things I have achieved.

It's always better that way
All that is aching inside
It's better for it to stay -
covered up with hurts pride.

All in good time
I will open the gate
of this little heart of mine
in a moment of fate.

For a soul that's been torn and
a heart controlled by other
there's not much you can do
But to hold me in your arms -
My dearest Mother.

Endure

If I can endure for this moment,
whatever is happening to me.
No matter how heavy my heart,
or how dark the moment may be.
If I can but keep on believing,
what I known in my heart to be true.
Then darkness will fade into morning,
and with this dawn a new day, too.

Standing Alone

I can see the flower upon which my life grows, blooming into a rose.

See the hope and courage in the strength of the petals.
As long as I am, I will be.
The flower will never wilt or die.
As my life grows back, I shall become strong.
I shall become only dependent on one.
That one will be me.
I will rise with my petals high.
My life as a flower will bloom and prosper as i grow.
I may not the pick of the patch, but I am just as beautiful as the rest.

I will stand as one, but not a lonely soul.
The tears will be far from my smile.

Apologies

A brand new year,
A brand new start,
Is what make things right,
I assumed;

Plenty of scars - both physical and emotional
Still attached to myself
And refused to leave me in solitude
As much as I tried;

Foolishly I believed this existence is all but doomed,
I have been trying to change all that happened
Mistakes I have made plenty
And I was trying to apologise for all that happened;

I was trying to seek forgiveness from everyone else,
For things that I did not even do,
I was being naive, I was being misled,
Into believing I am the problem;

As the new year dawned, a new thinking arose within me,
Why should I change for others?
Why should I be what others want me to be?
Instead of seeking forgiveness from others, I decided to seek in within;

Apologies for letting my dreams down,
Apologies for letting myself down infront of the world,
Apologies for not accepting what I really am,
And finally, apologies for the subtle messages that was sent from within;

A brand new confidence sprang forth within me,
A belief that I am the supreme being,
Irrespective of what the world says,
I am what I am and try as much,
I cannot pleased anyone and I need not change for anyone.

Me, Myself and I

Coming out of the shadows
of the past and reaching
to the light that is now
shining in its glory
I realized I am standing all alone,
with the whole world at my disposal;

I searched, I needed somebody
 to continue the explorations,
or so I thought; how
naive and so dumb one can become;

Wasting previous time
doing nothing other
than wondering through life

I became more confused than before;

Unable to run anymore,

I sat down to take stock

and I realized I got

me, myself and I;

Learned alot along the way,

and now my very own best friend

exploring uncharted territories

me myself and I

that's all I got in the end

that's what I found out

me, myself amd I.

Make My Wish Come True

searching for answers that evaded me for so long,
i got lost in a maze treachery hidden under a mask innocence;

it's been so long words kept me awake all night long,
making me restless and confused;

drowning in the wishes of a long lost past,
i let my life down, i let myself down;

in the midst of the night under the velvet skies
i surrendered to life, i whisper for forgiveness;

so with a smile on my lips and a wish on my heart
i give faith(hope) one more reason
i give life another chance to make my wish come true;
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Love hurts when you breakup with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.....

Of Life and Love...

Once upon a time there was a human being, and later there were billions of men and women. Once upon a time there was life and there were sources of love. Once upon a day there was the earth and millions of stars. Once upon a night, there was a dream, the shared dream of two people embarked on this unbelievable journey to become one. Once upon a day, there was the love of a life. Once upon a life, there was the love of a lifetime.

Eyes

It's a change in the look in our eyes that can bring a new meaning to old truths. It's my eyes that shut me out or open me up to the world. It's the look in my eyes that hurts me or enchances me. It's the look in my eyes that makes me lose you or allows me to meet and discover you. It's through me eyes that I become deaf or that I start listening to you. It's through my eyes that I meet hated or loved. It's only through my eyes that I can see the reality of my failures or my successes. It's through my eyes that I can disqualify a relationship or bring it deep inside my soul. It's through my eyes that I open my arms to receive you, when your eyes allow me or invited me to do so.

Thoughts about freedom.

A few late-night thoughts about freedom for those of you to whom it makes any sense..... We must create within oursleves an immense sense of freedom to attain a space full of posibilities. Most importantly, the freedom to exist and to be independent of the desires of others. We need a lot of freedom when two pleasures meet, welcome each other and grow into the eternity of a bubble, escaped from the past and surviving without contingencies in the future. It is a difficult freedom, acquired based on our own choices to define who we really are. A moving freedom, almost fluid, to live without constraints, to dare receive and welcome the unknown while passionately awaiting an intense future. This freedom is an energy that carries you, it does not take you away, merely it brings you to a source of miracles.

Where is Forrest Gump???

You can see the stars in an Alabama,
a place we could trust our neighbours.
But we can't hide the fear in a Mother's eye
when she hears the rattling sabres.


But someone must rise and stand up to hell.
It's not easy to hold on to freedom.
Someone must stand where his brother fell.
It's tough but it just must be done.

How can we forget the young Forrest Gump,
how he carried his friends from the fire?
If Uncle Sam said, "we want you to jump",
he jumped and he jumped even higher.


We can't paint a smile on his broken heart
or joy in this young soldiers eye.
But he stood for the place where the rainbow starts ,
and the eagle is king of the sky.


What is it that makes these brave youngsters rise
and fight when they don't understand.
What is it that puts the truth in their eyes?
What is it that steadies the hand?


How can we forget the young Forrest Gump,
how he carried his friends from the fire?
If Uncle Sam said, "we want you to jump",
he jumped and he jumped even higher.


One day I dreamt there was no Forrest Gump.
There was no one to carry the colours.
No one to send off to the front,
to stand for our sisters and brothers

Happy?!!!

Happiness is like a nightlight in each of us, a nightlight that bring us comfort and faith with all the patience we request. Happiness is like a small flame inside our heart that won't go away, but that is good to revive once in a while. It's a flame we need to protect from the winds, from the storms, from sad moments or from the rains of despair. A small flame that we are responsible for, to protect it from ill-will, from negative thoughts, from the poison of resentment, from the restlessness of out habits.

Happiness is our greatest desire, yet it always is our greatest fear because happiness is in abandonment, the abandonment of oneself to someone else.

Where is your happiness?!!

On life and water

There is an old saying in Taoism that says "Rocks are hard and unyielding, the river flows around them and forgets".
In each of our lives, there are rocks. Like the water from the river, we encounter them not because we want to, but because it's nature. We splash violently against them, they break us, they change the course of our flow. But like the river, we find the path of least resistance and keep flowing downstream by going around them. Like the river, we find an "out" and what was a break in our flow only becomes a new direction for our life. Where the rock held us hostage for a while, we manage to free ourselves and move on.
Become the river.

Should I let go?

Well, actually am kind of confuse!!! I mean really confuse with what am doing now. Do I call myself stupid? Am already know the rules and regulations of the games and I've been well controlled for all these while, but why now am lost and confuse?!! WHY?!!!

Am desperated for a drink today and I went to Bistro 32 with Ken and Irene, 2 of my best friends. I do know that they care about me, but I just don't feel like talking today. I just kept quiet for the whole drinking session and smoked and drink. And Ken and Irene are trying their very best to cheer me up, I do appreciated it but am sorry, because I really don't feel like talking. Then I went straight to the ladies and locked myself inside the toilet, and I sat down on the floor and cried..... I cried and cried and my head are spinning. Well, am definately not drunk but just not in the mood... I felt so sorry to Ken and Irene who keep me company for the night.

I've been thinking alot while I sat on the toilet's floor. Thinking about what I've been doing. Thinking about what the hell is wrong with me... But I have to admit that I've lost control! Totally lost control... And this is so not me! Since when I became like that?!! I can't even believe that I am so down... so down......

I was thinking maybe is time for me to let go, so that I will not be suffering... I know I have no rights to ask or to do anything at all..... Therefore I did not ask because I know that you will not like it or maybe you will get piss with me... And I am nobody to you.

But I hate myself that I've fall for you.... I didn't even realized that. All this while Steph, Ken and Irene was telling me that I am dying soon... Because of you, and I told them that am not because I know what am I doing... But now that I have to ask myself the question "AM I?!!"

And I can't even answer my own questions! I really have no idea with what am I doing and what am I thinking.... I am so confused and so lost..... Are they anyone can tell me what am I doing and what should I do.

Just now when I was in Bistro 32 toilet, I was telling myself "ok gal, it's time to let go..." Because he don't own anyone and no body owns him, this is what he's been telling me.' So since I know about this then why am I still want to fall for this man???? WHY???? I always thought that I am very well controlled, always know what am doing, but actually am not! Am wrong, very wrong!!!

After a long sleeping night, now it's time for me to think properly, what should I do! Since I am no body to him, then I shouldn't be so concern about him, shouldn't be calling him, shouldn't be sms him. If he really wants to see me or need me to help, he will call me.

And I will not be going for tomorrow hiking. I just don't feel like going, want to take a good rest at home and do my own work.

IT IS TIME TO LET GO, CHEN TSE YEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Off-line thoughts about on-line interactions

Just a few thoughts about interacting with others on internet:

1. Understand what your place is: there are MILLIONS and MILLIONS of people on internet.... You are one amongst those millions. There are crazy, they are sex deprived men and women looking for God-knows-what, there are entertainers, there are bored people with nothing better to do, there are people looking for better life perhaps, there are people preying on others for whatever reasons, etc, etc. Who are YOU?!! Do you know?

2. Talk with one another without expectation: You may never meet the person in the other computer, you may never discover who they truely are. If you have no expectation, you will never have a reason for regret, never have a reason for disappointment.

3. Be nice without reason: What do you have to lose??? Nothing!!! But perhaps at least there is someone out-there, perhaps around the corner from where you live or on the other side of this world who can benefit from some warmth in their haert/soul for a few moments without you ever knowing it.

4. People are people: No matter where they are, how young, how old, how slim, how fat, what race, what religion, what relationship status, people are just like YOU. Treat them online with the respect you wish people to treat you with in real life... they will notice it....it's becoming quite a rarity.

5. Care without condition: Don't lay conditions when talking to others, otherwise don't talk to them at all.  You are not in here for business...at least I would hope not!!! But, always be careful, you may know who you are but you never know who is behind the other screen.

6. Don't make an obsession: REAL life will always remain outside your door no matter how much you enjoy your friends online. Whilst real life may not be easy everyday, spending more self-energy on improving one's life is much more fruitful in the end than trying to hide in an online fantasy.

7. Be happy: At every turn, something happen and we discovered a new landscape on the harizon. We take a photo, we write something so we will never forget.

Something about TRUST!

No matter friendship or relationship, we all agree trust always comes first. Whilst trust is the key and we all set it as our top priority, we seldom realize that this most important component is also the most fragile.

All it takes is one time of breaking that trust, one lie, one affair, one misplaced quote for this trust to be gone forever. Crossing cultural barriers is difficult, friends, take your time to understand each other because the trust you have is earned, not given.

....

Oh not because happiness exists,
that too-hasty profit snatched from approaching loss.

But because truly being here is so much; because everything here apparently needs us, this fleeting world, which in some strange way keeps calling to us. Us, the most fleeting of all.

...Ah, but what can we take along into that other realm?
Not the art of looking, which is learned so slowly, and nothing that happened here. Nothing.
The sufferings, then. And, above all, the heaviness, and the long experience of love, - just what is wholly unsayable.

Love After Love

The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give Bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photograghs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.